Hell (Sensitive)

I don't remember much about before I was 7 years old. Hell! 7 is even a vague number too! But like many say, isn't 7 your lucky number?

When I was 7 years old, it was when I was oblivious to how the world judged me. I did what I wanted too and got what I wanted. I  thought everything revolved around me and that everyone should play the way I wanted them too. But that ended soon at 8 years old.

At 8 years of age, I saw that people didn't like fat people. They liked slim, pretty people who had big eyes, light complexions, and a serene intelligence to them. I was tanned, fat, slanted eyed weirdo that most people in elementary tried to avoid, or at least just ignored me when I tried to befriend them. I didn't know why at first but when they start talking about, looking at those imperfections, you soon understand what it is that they don't like about you. That continued on until I was 11 years old.

11 just strolled on in. There was no warning, there was no, "It's gonna be hell." sign. It just happened and I absolutely hated it. Everyone separated into their own clique while I stood stranded and confused as to why everyone wasn't interacting with one another. Why was there so many group of people who had similar taste, in different groups that totally could come together? It was because there was a tree. The popular, all the way to out cast. 

I'd have to say that my middle school wasn't as bad to bully others but it did hurt when the groups I tried to get along with, didn't want me. I pretended not to notice and to diminish my presence, I would hop around from clique to clique. But never entered the popular clique. They intimidated me. Even the Asian group wasn't my best group. And I'm Asian! 11 - 13 flew in a breeze. It was the most embarrassing years of my life. Or so I thought.

In tumbled in the drunken 14 year old me. No, I wasn't drinking. I just couldn't walk into high school properly because I had built a wall. When someone tried to break in, it scared me. What if they didn't like the real me and left me. That would hurt a lot more than them not knowing who I was and only leaving me because they didn't like my outer appearance. But that wall tumbled down just a bit to a certain girl who was someone I kind of looked up to. She was slim, had a personality, and was cute. She could easily make friends with anyone if she wanted too. She just chose not too. I was jealous of her but at the same time drawn to her. I wanted to be like her. Of course that wasn't possible. From birth to high school, all I'd been was ugly, fat, and a weirdo. But maybe if I befriend her and follow her, I could ever so slightly be similar?

Those people I considered friends? They left me when I moved to a different high school to follow that one girl I couldn't shake off. I thought I could fully open up to her. But the moment she met her perfect clique. She started acting up. Saying I couldn't keep a promise when I have been and just couldn't keep one. Time is precious and she couldn't keep time promises. It was infuriating and no matter how much I looked up to her, I couldn't deal with it. Seeing as the one person I was close to opening up to trying to step on me, left a bigger scar than I imagined. 

I didn't trust anyone. Everyone and anyone who wanted to peek behind the wall I had built would only see another brick wall. It was maddening. I lost all my friends and wasted my precious time, all because I was chasing after I person I shouldn't have. I should have never befriended her when all the signs to her not being a good person to me was present. I was stubborn and it was the price I had paid for. It stuck with me to college too. 

College was terrifying. Though no one judged me since I wouldn't talk to anyone, it was pure chaos because I couldn't find a single person I could call a "friend" to stick around with. Someone to be a guide. No one is perfect. But no one was similar in my taste to be around me. 

My face was silent but my mind rambled on. I would judge other people before they could judge me. If I'm quick and can actually judge them correctly, then they can't come into my life and hurt me. It was a twisted way of thinking. I had gone through my fair of being judged. It was hell, but look at me doing it to others. I'm quite messed up aren't I? But you know what? It became my ultimate weapon. I could tell what that person was like just by looking at them now. I knew what they were thinking and why they would ever approach me. 

Some were merely curious since I'm always alone. Others would try to pick at the small hole I made in my wall because they see something they can benefit from. But only to stump to one of my many walls. I felt powerful. They couldn't hurt me. 

But at the same time I felt lonely...

Right now at 19, nearing 20. I can't even trust my family members. They judge me too. I feel tired all the time. The exhaustion has piled up so high, that I'm thinking. Thinking too much. If I were to die right now, would people care? Would this end my misery? Will I stop feeling lonely?

I want to live a happy, fulfilling life like the others but I just don't see a way. I thought maybe working more would bring more fun in my life. Maybe even the extra cash would make me feel better. But right now, it all seems so vain. What use is cash if I don't have anyone to spend it with. What use is a job if I'm just getting more exhausted. What use is a family if I can't even share my darkest secrets with them? I'd stop doing my little trials of self harm on my arm, in fear my mom would find out. 

She almost did but it was in the healing process so I lied that I had gotten it at work. I want to go back to that thrilling pain. It at least made me feel more alive. 

I need help but I see no one to help me. Get help from strangers you say? I can't even trust my family members. How can I trust strangers who know nothing about me. Who I know nothing about.

So I've decided.

25 will be the end.